Teach Me: The Unfortunate Case of James Potter
by LovingTheOgre
Summary: Boy wants Girl. The problem? Girl hates Boy. The solution? Convince her best friend to teach you the ways of her heart! Will James Potter get the girl of his dreams or will he realize that sometimes the fantasy far outweighs the reality? Genderbend!
1. The Rival of Love: Girl Snape!

**The Rather Unfortunate Case of James Potter**

Or

_(How Jamie-Poo went round the bend in one month!)_

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Disclaimer: ...seriously Do we need to do this?

_Sasuke: Yes. It's been rather a long time since you've done anything since having the baby. A disclaimer is necessary because of those few retarded readers who would harass you for not adding one...and then there is just the principal of the thing you know, it's just the nice thing to do._

_Sera: Seriously? You're telling me to be nice...Sasuke Uchiha, you wouldn't know nice if it humped you on the leg!_

_Sasuke: Hn..._

_Sera: Don't you dare HN me!_

_Sasuke: Are we done now? Can I go back home?_

_Sera: Not yet! It's been so long! (not to mention you don't technically live in a house)_

_Sasuke: The world (of Kishimoto) is my home! *huggled* ...*looks at readers* to those of you reading LovingTheOgre's stories for the first time I should warn you that this is a regular occurrence and that I am always present...and to those of you not quite so new to Sera, she's back! She had the baby and she'll be doing a major re-write to her major stories. FOTB2, unfortunately, will be on hiatus until further notice-and before you start complaining about her lack of updates remember, she is a new mother it will take time for her to get her serious works completed!_

_Sera: Yep._

_Sasuke: This GENDERBEND! story however, will be finished nicely and quickly since during her pregnancy she wrote it all in a notebook so this is already a completed work that she just needs to type up. So...get to reading or I'll start brooding...and you don't want to see me brood!_

_Sera: Isn't that why you're so popular with the fangirls?_

_Sasuke: Hn..._

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-

Lily Evans was the ideal girlfriend for any seventeen year old boy who attended World Academy. She was not too tall or too short, she wasn't incredibly buxom but nicely topped with a nice round apple bottom. Her hair was the bright red and long falling around her like a great mane and her eyes were shaded jade lined beautifully with long curling lashes. A light sprinkle of freckles fell across her small button nose and her naturally pink lips were full and inviting. All in all Lily Evans was the ideal mate for any boy in the entirety of the school (what was failed to mention is her smarts, which she does indeed have but from the perspective of a teenage boy with a raging libido it isn't something on the lists of high priorities).

With such a wonder of a girl it came to no surprise that the number one heart throb of all of World Academy came to fall in love with her. James Harry Potter the 3rd fell in love upon site with Lily Evans at the age of 11, his very first day of World Academy which housed grades 6-12. Her hair had not been as long and her lashes not as curled. Her lips weren't as pink and her figure was nothing much at all but the moment he spotted the glare she gave to him (something that until very recent was believed to be her default expression) was the moment he fell helplessly in love with her and vowed to live happily ever after with her...

...if not for the fact that the moment he attempted to ask her to be his girlfriend (with puffed up chest and large award winning smile) was when the bane of his existence became glaringly known in the form of a short, lanky, dark haired big bug eyed girl by the name as Selley Snape who insisted on holding Lily's hand. The nerve of the bat, James thought indignantly, touching that sweet little red haired girls hand! (it should be noted that at this time James had thought Selley was a boy)

And for seven years James the 3rd made it his mission in life to woo Lily and make Selley's life a living hell and he succeeded...until that unfortunate time in his fourth year when James and Sirius had decided to scare Selley as she showered in the gym after dumping a bowl of masked potatoes on her head...it had been rather...well James couldn't really remember because Lily had come to Selley's rescue and had performed a rather remarkable round house kick to both he and Sirius that landed them both in the hospital for two weeks...

Erm...anyway...the point was James had this odd sense of jealousy for Lily's best friend Selley it seemed that to him Selley's mere existence was annoying. Her with her pasty skin, her greasy black hair, her thin pinprick frame, her low voice and her big black eyes that pulled you into the pits of hell and left you there forever...

Besides that, since Selley was Lily's best friend and because Selley had this strange dislike for him (not really strange) that meant that Selley was bad mouthing him to Lily and poisoning his good image and reputation. So for seven years James flirted, complimented, bought presents and wooed Lily Evans who usually gave him a curt "No way in hell". Even Sirius had gotten into it asking her if she liked James to which she replied "Sure, I like him...as much scotch tape."

And because James was completely unable to look at his own bad qualities and needed to blame someone then that means...it is no surprise that he blames Selley for his bad luck in love.

"Why can't she just submit and be my girlfriend?" James Potter whined, not an unusual occurrence for a Tuesday considering on Tuesdays Lily usually shot him down right after Lunch time. The "fort" or rather Sirius' shed was usually the place where the boys got together and plotted their pranks, smoked, drank or in Remus Lupin's case, studied. At the moment it was used for James Potter to whine about his horrible day. He sat forward, leaning his head against against Sirius Black's knees who sat on quite comfortably on his bean bag. "What am I doing wrong?"

"Isn't it more 'what has that greasy bat have that I don't?' that you should be asking, mate?" Sirius chided. He took a long drag of his clove and peered at his bespectacled friend. "That Sell-Ey I wonder what she could be saying about you right now? After all, as Evans best friend she can basically talk her into and out of everything..."

Peter, the smallest and roundest of the boys rolled his eyes and thought_ 'here we go _another _Selley is the bleeding devil rant...'_ and continued to read his comic book. He waited for Remus to say something like the usual "Stop being fools. Selley's done nothing wrong" like the good hero he was except, all Peter heard was James cackle...He looked up and caught Remus eye who seemed to notice something so Peter turned his eyes to James-

-the darkening in James' eyes, the slow and steady grin that took place upon his face. Beside Remus, Peter shivered having taken to tapping his pudgy fingers nervously against his book. Both were thinking the same exact thing "oh holy hell..."

"That's it! I'll just make the greasy git teach me what I should and should not do! I'll even get her to stop bad mouthing me! It's perfect!"

Three minutes after James was gone Remus swatted a chuckling Sirius over the head.  
"You're a real ass you know that?"

"Sirius what have you done, saying stupid things to make James even more of an idiot then before!" Peter angrily intoned.

Sirius rolled his eyes and took a long drag.  
"What? What's the _worse _that can happen? Moony? Wormtail?"

If only they knew...the winds of change were quickly picking up and blowing all those old habits into the wind...

Be strong Peter and Remus.

**Be Strong!**

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_**The Rather Unfortunate Case of James Potter**_

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Selley Snape was a quiet sort of girl who seemed to use every moment of opportunity to keep her nose (and big eyes) in the books while listening to Lily rant off about tests, exams and what they would be doing during their weekends/holiday's and the occasion Wednesday night (movie night). It was what she was used to, what she knew was safe and something she had come to enjoy. Lily was kind, Lily was popular and beautiful and best of all Lily was Selley's best friend. She didn't bother Selley for her big eyes or her awkwardness. She treated Selley like a normal girl and protected her from bully's.

She was seventeen, five foot seven (rather tall). She was thin, not as thin as idiots like Sirius _"I may or may not have an STD" _Black or James Harry _"Dur-Me liek Chase-Quaffles?" _Potter might have people believe. She was pale because she didn't like being in the blazing sun. She was not sallow, she was not greasy (her hair was black, it was healthy and full with shine) and she was certainly not wretched with no friends. She had two friends besides Lily. Just because they happened to not go to World Academy didn't mean they weren't real either and despite James "I have the attention span of a newt" Potter's belief, Lily wasn't pitying Selley and throwing her a bone. Lily and Selley were genuinely friends.

At the moment Selley was lying back on her bed with her eyes closed to dull the ache behind them, having previously been studying for an Economics exam on Friday-it wouldn't do to slack off. Long fingers ruffled her thick hair scratching at her scalp. Have to stay awake, she thought, really have to stay awake. She opened her eyes and took in her bedroom, clothes in the hamper, desk a mess of papers and Cd's standing in front of the window framed by olive green curtains.

She could take a nap maybe-fall asleep for half an hour just to rest her eyes just before she had to wake up for dinner and-

-she promptly fell off her bed her face making a sickening smack against the floor.

"Yo," James Potter climbed through the window sending all the papers that were previously in a messy stack now springing towards the floor.

"...why are you here?"

"I was passing through." James said. "Nice digs, not all dark and broody. Very different from what I thought previous."

"And what did you think?" Selley asked, now sitting cross legged on his floor holding her aching cheek. "Did you think I lived in a cave, slept upside down?"

"Well yes, actually I did. Although you did forget to mention "rotting carcasses of innocent children and puppies and a cauldron filled with boiling oil bubbling and cooking up the souls of the forgotten" which was pretty much the picture of the room I though you would inhabit."

Letting out a low chuckle, Selley stood up and made her way to the desk picking up slips of papers as she went until there were none left on the floor. She deposited the small stack onto the desk and then shut the window. "To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit and through my window no less."

"Like I said Snivelly, I was merely passing through the neighborhood."

"If you were chancing a visit because you though Lily was here-"

"Where does she live by the way?"

"Like I would tell you." Selley growled. "Now why are you here?"

James, who had wandered away from the desk was now peering through a photo album that had lying on the nightstand gazing at pictures of Lily and Selley as small children. "Well, truth be told I wasn't really passing through."

"Obviously." Since the idiot lived on the other side of town, the ritzy side with the big houses and the nice neighborhoods. James_ "I have more money then I know what to do with" _Potter had no reason to be on the poorer side of town, he really didn't.

"You're going to tutor me."

"No."

"You see, I knew you would say that," James closed the album. "so I thought of a way to insure cooperation. You are going to tutor me and I will leave you alone. This is a full package deal involving Sirius too."

"Seriously, the idiot seriously agreed to that? It's hard to believe." Which truly it was.

"When is Sirius not serious?"

"...I walked right into that one."

"That you have." He sat on her bed, sinking into the mattress just a bit. "So, have we got a deal?"

He smiled up at Selley, brightly. It was a lie, that friendly smile was a complete and utter lie. It was the same kind of smile he used when he teased her _'Oy, Selley, have you got a boyfriend yet? I hear the degenerates from the Youth Prison are looking for dates!'_ or _'Sell-Ey, Smell-Ey...! Don't let her touch you gents 'else your bits will fall off!'_

Her eyes narrowed.  
"What do you need tutoring in?"

"So you're in?"

"I'm in!"

Anything to get James Potter and his merry band of idiots off her back..._anything_!

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**Sera's Note:**

**Sera: Here is chapter one of The Tutor, I think one for the first Severus Snape Gender Bends out there! (on this site)**

**Sasuke: Yeah, woo hoo...**

**Sera: Sasuke what's the matter?**

**Sasuke: Nothing. It was alright...I mean, you're writing Harry Potter-what about MY stories?**

**Sera: Well you're here right now so technically you're in something-**

**Sasuke: Anyway readers, read review don't flame and if you're going to give feedback don't do it harshly. This woman is still going on a weird hormone trip and still cries easily.**

**Sera: Shut Up!**

**Sasuke: See? Anyway, the next chapter is going to focus on Character Bio's for those of you who are confused on how to react to your...non magical characters and (for Snape) their gender bends. So yeah drop a review. If it's bad coddle her-its been a long time for her writing you in chapter two (after maybe a few reviews?)**

**Sera: Ja ne!**


	2. A tale of the Filler chapter!

**The Rather Unfortunate Case of James Potter**

**Or**

**(How Jamie-Poo went round the bend in one month!)**

**Sasuke: A tale of the shortest chapter!**

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"The _library_? You want _me _to go to the _smelly _old library that smells?"

Selley leveled James with a withering glare. It was enough that the idiot had decided to follow her to all of her classes and even sit with her at lunch. It was enough that she was trying her hardest to 'tutor him' in the ways of Lily (who knew what was going on and had a good laugh about idiots and James).

"I don't want to. You cannot make me!" He crossed his arms and stuck out his tongue.

It was enough that Sirius _I'm the school's communal bicycl_e _whore _Black had decided to follow them along...now the idiot James _I have the IQ of an infant with mental retardation _Potter was complaining about the library.

How would he know it was smelly? He was an idiot. He'd probably never set foot into the library before.  
"Have you even been in the library before?"

James pouted and began toying with her pencil. Ah, so that's it.

"You know, Potter...Lily loves the library particularly the smell of old books."

"Well then what are we waiting for! Lets so to the library!"

_**(LINE BREAK)**_

To Remus Lupin it was a beautiful day. The sun was out, the birds were merrily chirping even the people around him weren't staring at his scars and whispering about him behind his back. It seemed so tranquil, so peaceful and now, the one thing that could possibly make it better-if it was indeed possible- was to go to the library for a day filled with reading Ovid without Sirius or James complaining, trying to cause chaos or to braid his hair.

As he turned the corner of Market street, with a jaunt to his step suddenly Remus halted mid whistle. His brown eye widened, his mouth went dry and somewhere deep inside he felt something crack, break and burn.

"Oh sweet mother of all that is **CHOCOLATE**!" His hands came to the sides of his head grasping at his hair and pulling. He fell to his knees, the **horror**! "_NOOOOOOOO_!"

He fainted upon seeing James Harry Potter the 3rd and Selley Snape walking with an almost _friendly _like atmosphere into the library.

Across town Sirius Black pulled away from his latest girlfriend's lips.

"Sirius, what is it darling?" She asked as she pressed her breasts against his chest. "I there like, something wrong?"

"I..." Sirius tilted his head curiously. "...felt a distinct disturbance in the _force_. As though...a book nerd cried out in terror and was suddenly silenced."

"Sirius...that sounds so scary! I'm scared! Hold me!"

"Uh..." He shrugged and went right back to snogging his girlfriend pushing the nagging feeling of the world shift from his mind.

If only he would have listened.

If only.

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**Sera: Okay! Character Bio number 1!**

**Sasuke: I'm sure they really want to read it...its so...exciting...(exuding sarcasm)**

**Sera: I know, innet.**

**Sasuke: You are an utter failure as a human you know that?**

**Sera: What? Crap, did I miss something?**

**Sasuke: Only the fact that I used witty sarcasm.**

**Sera: ...for real?**

**Sasuke: (face palm)**

**Sera: So here it is, Bio number 1!**

**Sasuke: Excuse her for having this chapter be so short. Since this one was more like drawn into her notebook rather then written...and she's lazy she didn't feel like completely transforming it into serious words or dialogue. Anyway, as promised, here is a character bio of our favorite idiot.**

**Sera: Yeah! Also, chapter 3 will be out as soon as I can type it up. I have had a really busy few days. Eddie was feeling a little under the weather-**

**Sasuke: So she ended up rushing him to the hospital out of fear he was horribly ill. You know, first time mothers and all that.**

**Sera: Here it is!**

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_James Harry "Prongs" Potter the 3rd*_  
_Age: 17_  
_Born: June 27 1987 *_  
_Info: Born to older parents and being an only child, James is a prime candidate for being a bratty spoiled child. He's handsome, standing at six foot, with muscular athletic build with startling honey colored eyes and windswept brown hair so it's no wonder that he has many admirers. He has only eyes for Lily, calling it "love at first sight" and has a deep hatred for anyone who Lily gets along with-which is the primary reason he hates Selley, at least for a while._  
_He's not a genius but he isn't a slathering idiot either, despite Selly's claims of his mental retardation. He gets okay grades-he just easily gets distracted._  
_Athletic, he is involved in the school's Football* team, is a mega fan of Quidditch* and enjoys watching every single school game that he isn't personally involved in._  
_He is a prankster and along with his merry band, the Marauders, has become quite infamous and well known. _  
_He is using Selley's dislike for him to get tutoring to win Lily's affections although, how long the lessons will just stay lessons is a mystery..._

_"The 3rd" is homage to Leo Leonardo, The Third from the web-comic VGCats-this is possibly due to the fact that James' character is quite out there, dense and a little stupid. You can find VGCats, for those of you interested in reading it at: http :/ /www. vgcats. com / new/_

_In this story James was born in June though technically in book canon he was born March 27 1960-although if you read book five that would be impossible since he'd have to be born in 1959 in the month(s) of either June, July or August...I'd explain the actual logic but I wont since it's the character BIO for THIS story which is totally NOT canon with the actual series._

_Soccer though it's called football._

_Quidditch is actually played on the ground. I did the research...it looks...awes_ome!

**Sasuke: Review! No flames and hopefully we'll be seeing you soon!**

**Sera: Also a shout out to Leo Leonardo the third! He is the cutest most adorable comic kitty ever!**

**Sasuke: Intellectually she's just like him.**

**Sera: Bite Me!**


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